Seriously - Is It Really That Difficult?

The Portuguese swallow letters. Constantly. I know this because of my pathetic productive portuguese language development. Said swallowing is not helpful. Not even slightly. An example 'desculpe' - sorry. It's pronounced....shculp. Letters d and e rapidly ingested. Another one. 'mais ou menos' -ish/more or less, pronounced...mys o mensh. A, u and o scarfed. I could go on. I won't but I could.

So, you see the problems this incessant letter troffing can cause? It retards my progress. Just when ya think you've nailed a word or phrase...some dumb lost in translation moment occurs. Like the day I was out drinking with friends. I stuck with 1coke... the rest were quaffing silly amounts of vino and, it turned out, at my expense. Because when I went in to pay for a 2coffee, the bill was well in excess of €25. And why so? Simply due to the damn letter noshing. I thought the waiter'd asked me if that was it, I thought he'd said 'zero'...he hadn't. He'd said 'all'. As in 'are you paying for all the drinks?'. Of course I said yes, not realising he'd bloody well eaten a vowel and then verbally rearranged the damn words.

And being British, with a poor command of the language, I did some swallowing of my own. My pride and my tongue. I just paid the bill and slinkied off with my coffee. Then, remaining true to my Britishness, I silently foamed outside, all the while watching my friends drinking my wine.

Anyway...I've discovered a cool way to upgrade my Portuguese: taxi drivers. Why so? Simply because they jabber away, regardless of the fact that you can't speak the language. And it's always conversational chit-chat. Useful stuff indeed. I've lost count of the times I've climbed into a taxi, stated my destination, apologised for my crappy Portuguese ('sou inglêsa' does the trick...), and...despite stating the obvious, the taxi drivers still make conversation. In Portuguese. And, because I'm nothing if not polite, I feel obliged to talk. In short, for around €5, I regulary get direct transportation and a free language lesson. If you're trying to learn Portuguese, and you're in Portugal, my advice is: take taxis everywhere. Providing you've got a few quid, I reckon you'd be talking like a native in less time than it takes to house-train a man. At best, you may learn something. At worst...you'll crawl from the taxi feeling deeply embarrassed and incredibly silly...

...in conclusion, my opinion of the Portuguese language is this: It's a hard language to get your tongue/ears/head round. It's derived from Latin, has an Arabic influence and is widely spoken. It's also sneaky. Veryyyyy sneaky.

Disclaimer: I will not be held accountable for any ensuing outcomes should anyone choose to follow my DIY language advice. On your own head be it.

IBS, pineapple and cigarettes

I'm at home, lying in bed after a really shitty week that's been completely controlled by a nasty IBS attack. Desperation drove me off the chemical cures -didn't work - and headlong into an experimental few days with honey, ginger, pineapple, various vegetable organisms and a good dose of hope. All I can say is: all power to broccoli et al!

I have no idea what kicked it off - other than a trip to the UK. Maybe the fact that I eat differently when over there ... I don't know. All I know is I've had nothing but aggro since getting back.

Anyway. I'm learning Portuguese. Slowly. and thought I'd give my newly acquired crappy language skills a shot. Picture this: 40 something woman in a chemist, murdering Portuguese, trying to indicate to said pharmacist that she's under attack from IBS and all she can manage is to verb hop, point and gesticulate whilst providing a free show for other customers who all leave convinced that she's got something seriously wrong with her arse...

So - in case you're about to 'expatriate' yourself, seriously consider the pros and cons of what language the country you're considering can speak ... otherwise you'll fast ascend to the lofty heights of being the local village english idiot.

For those that do suffer IBS, a few links. Useful ones too.

http://www.theguttrust.org/

http://www.ibstales.com/

http://www.ibstales.com/

Disclaimer: I don't endorse (or whatever) any of the sites. I just read through them. Then employed common sense. So should you.